unKempt: 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005

God save the BBC!

The next time you wake up with your head throbbing, your body aching and your eyes blurred, remember the Brits are out there scientifically proving that the bender you went on the night before, was actually a good thing.

Alcohol Makes Your Brain Grow
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4496727.stm
Drinking alcohol boosts the growth of new nerve cells in the brain, research suggests.

We all know that alcohol kills brain cells (but only the weak ones), and NOW we know that it fosters the growth of newer, better, stronger, faster brain cells. Soon the rest of the Dubliner will be on Terence's intellectual level! Alas by then, Terence will have realized how to turn himself into pure energy and will roam the Universe looking for new pubs and new debates regarding when the 'Darth Vader Death March' first played in the Star Wars Trilogy.

The Homeless

Anyone who lives in San Francisco knows the homeless problem we face. It sits on sidewalks, walks by, asks for change and in some instances, can be aggressive. Each day I witness this problem as I walk to and from BART. This morning was no different.

As I passed the church on 24th and Valencia, the regular batch of transients were there on the steps having their morning conversations, but this time there was something different - there was a newbie.

She stood a few feet away from the rest of the group, a sure sign that she had not yet been accepted by the regulars. She did have her sign already scripted on a fresh sheet of cardboard. In my time here, I have seen several signs proclaiming a need for help, or offering the exchange of labor for food, but never have I seen a sign that reads, "Will ass-slap to 70's music for money!" She was looking to earn a fare so she could take BART to her 'job,' or so she said. We all know the money was going for booze or drugs, or booze and drugs.

She continued with an imaginative story about how she was waiting for her friend "Jerry" to arrive to help her and just needed some change until he got there. I am surprised she didn't go into how they were supporting cats and they needed to eat too.

She had obviously worked hard to look nice in her thrift store blazer and threadbare slacks, but her Metro PCS phone gave away her desperate situation. As I walked by she feebly sang the chorus to "Waterloo" and hummed the words she did not know. It was sad to see a human being fall so low.

Nothing funny is happening today

There. That is it. I got nothing else. So let's revist a blast from the past...

From Pete, April 1, 2004

Sweet. I can't wait to hear the wacky tales from Sub-Commander school in the Caspian Sea! You must have been a great team in a crisis!

Ensign Mandrill: "Commander Kemp, we're headed straight for that submerged reef of defunct shopping carts! What should we do?!"
Commander Kemp: "Ask Mehow!"
Ensign Mandrill: "How what?!"
Commander Kemp: "Huh?!"
Ensign Mandrill: "Ask you how what!?!"
Commander Kemp: "What the devil are you talking about!!?!?"
CRASH
Lieutenant Mehow: "F#*k Dude."

From the Sub Commander, April 1, 2004

Ensign Mandrill: "Commander Kemp, we're headed straight for that submerged reef of defunct shopping carts! What should we do?!"
Commander Kemp: "Ask Lieutenant Shea!"
Ensign Mandrill: "I can't sir!"
Commander Kemp: "Why not?!"
Ensign Mandrill: "He is passed out in the corner surrounded by champagne bottles and for some reason he has a sausage in his nose."
Commander Kemp: "What the devil are you talking about!!?!?"
CRASH
Lieutenant Mehow: "F#*k Dude."
Lieutenant Dana: "Dude F#*k!"
Lieutenant Keith: "This Vodka is great, but we don't have any Orangina!"
Lieutenant Sun Hi: (no comment because she has her iPod on)
Lieutenant Terrence: (to himself) "If only all this gushing water were warmer, this would make an incredible bath!"
Lieutenant Mike: (from his quarters) "I don't crash the sub while you are trying to sleep!"
Lieutenant Carol: "Could you be bloody quiet! I am trying to read!"
Lieutenant Wendy: "Damn, now I have to find ANOTHER job!"
Lieutenant Michele: (from her quarters) "Could you be quiet? I am trying to sleep off the hangover from my birthday last night!"
Lieutenant Lee: "I think I will write a song about this!"
Lieutenant Mogs: "This never would have happened on a South African sub."
And new for 2005...
Lieutenant Alex: "Never mind the water, would anyone like more wine?"
Lieutenant Randy: (nothing - he is asleep at the helm)
Lieutenant Maryann: "Maybe this will get the cake off of my face."
Lieutenant Gabby: "This is just like the scene in The Hunt For Red October Starring Sean Connery, Alec Baldwin, Scott Glen, Sam Neill, James Earl Jones..."
Lieutenant Kathy: "My new Ecuadorian, bossanova, alternative, p funk, salsa band would love to use this sound as a sample on their next record!"
Lieutenant Jerry: "SHUT IT - does anyone know a six letter word for a digestif liquor that starts with an F and ends in T?"
Lieutenant Paul: "Bitches!"
Lieutenant Patrick: "At least the head gasket didn't blow. If we cannot salvage the sub I know where we can donate it."
Lieutenant Joe: "At least I won't have to wear a tux now."
Lieutenant Jess: (as angel wings sprout) "I am outta here!"

What not to do in NY

Photo_04
Originally uploaded by Sub Commander.

I leanred two important lessons in New York.

1. Shots (especially shots of Fernet) should never be served in cordial glasses.

2. If you happen to spill a shot on the sleeve of you neighbor's suede jacket, be sure he is a Brit because he will surely be too polite to do anything about it but laugh.

The New Mach 3

The New Mach 3
Originally uploaded by Sub Commander.

So I forgot my razor on this trip and arrived in New York unshaven with several big meetings the next day. A quick run to the drug store resulted in purchasing the new MACH 3 from Gillette. Yes, this is the razor with a battery in it, and I have two comments since using it.

1) Yes, it works. In fact, it works very well. I was nervous about having an open vibrating blade next to my face, but Gillette did their homework on this one. If you have the $13, it is a good investment.

2) Gillete has also produced one of the most inconspicuous vibrators on the market. I am sure you would want to REMOVE THE BLADE before using it as such, but I would guess that in a pinch this would suffice. So fellas, be sure to hide this one from your girlfriends or keep a lot of extra batteries on hand.

Room Service Dinner

Cobb salad at the Waldorf
Originally uploaded by Sub Commander.

$27 Cobb Salad from your friendly Waldorf room service. I am sure glad I am on an expense account.

Should I have ordered the Waldorf salad?

The Waldorf

The Waldorf
Originally uploaded by Sub Commander.

I was pretty psyched when I found out I would be staying at the Waldorf in New York - 30 min in and I am not super impressed. The lobby is gorgeous and the room is nice. The best part so far has been the service. They were more than polite and offered me as more mileage options and complimentary services than any other hotel I have visited. Not bad for $269 per night. I just expected more from the legendary Waldorf Astoria.

UPDATE: I just got up - The bed is INCREDIBLE. That can make all the difference. I would definitely stay here again.